Moving on

It's been a while, i haven't written since July because i was going through something of my own. This summer has been the trenches for me, i guess i say that about every stage in my life because i guess i'm cynical but i mean it. This summer was yet another summer where i felt like dying. But i guess i'm back i don't know for how long really i just want to express myself about a thing i've been struggling with for some time now: Moving On.

I hate it because no one actually explains exactly how to move on (except bitches who think self care and bubble baths will fix it). Moving on has always been hard for me, i was born resentful (something i'm working on) which makes it hard for my brain to accepts its over, to accept it was so long ago. It makes me sad to think i'm still hung up on people who moved on or on situations that only exist in the past now,  but i just don't know how to. How do you move on when you've tried everything? 

Going out, self care, repressing my thoughts, deleting playlists, forbidding their names with my friends, forbidding their names in my own diary (extreme mesures were taken). Yet my brain would find a way to see them everywhere, i had a phase where i'd dream about them every night. When going out even restaurants would be named after them. My brain could not seem to let it go.

How to heal the subconscient when the other party is amused by your struggle?

Every time i'd forget about them they'd found a way to crawl back into my mind. Sending friends to talk about them, liking my numerous interactions on social media, finding ways for me to see their lives even if i deleted them from the social medias i use the most. That's torture.

The truth is i haven't seen them in a while, months since i haven't seen their face but it's still so fresh in my mind. "Out of sight out of mind" MY ASS!!! I still pass in front ouf their house wondering am i going to see them, is he gonna call me through the window like he once did, i still post things and wish i still had them on social media for them to see, i still hope they'll one day come to their senses. It's like my brain was made for two, me and him.

I don't know if time will do, if alzheimer will suddenly hit me but i sincerely hope to find a way to move on for good because this sucks.

*** This is more of a personal post that i don't think will be interesting to the mass but i hope someone out here gets me and if not i'm happy for you.

xoxo célia

To end this post here's a selection of Carrie being awfully dramatic and relatable.