My year of rest and relaxation (i've never been relaxed EVER)

TW ED

My school year is coming to an end and I am now realizing that I've lived the Ottessa Moshfegh fantasy, 8 months of my life just slipped right through my fingers without even noticing. This is the rapid documentation of it all, i did forget a lot of things but i don't write as much anymore and my memory is fucked up so that's all i have for now. 

Beware these are the thoughts and complaints of a very disturbed girl.

It's September I'm depressed but I remain hopeful, I have to be. I made one of the biggest choices in my life and i can't turn back now. I try my best to go to classes and socialise but the truth is I'm losing it and I just ghosted my therapist because my schedule was too tight, back when I cared about being present and stuff. As for him. He keeps making his random comebacks in my life but i just let it be he's not mine to care.

October is just beginning and I already miss high school, I didn't think that would be something that I would ever say. I always thought of myself as this independent woman who didn't have independence yet but was longing for it, that's why university would be the perfect place to be. I soon realized that I was scared of independence and responsibilities and that I would give my organs to go back to a child-like state. October was when I hit my lowest weight at the time, I didn't know it but I was out of control in my life and the only thing i could control was food. I don't want to grow up, I want to be young, I want to be careless I want to be small. I have a trip, a very important trip by mid-October but I am not excited, I am terrified that i'm gonna lose control, and that I won't be able to weigh myself for 11 days. I even think about bringing my scale in my suitcase but I'm too scared my mom is going to see it so I choose not to. At the time i thought it was all about being skinny but truth be told I just want to be a kid again.

The spiritual trip:

11 days without social media, I've never been happier. I notice that my days don't go by as fast I get to live every single minute of my day and I don't feel like I have to distract my brain from thoughts I don't want to deal with. I made a friend we sit next to each other on the bus when we go on visits and exchange our notes on what we don't want to forget. Medina is truly beautiful and I've never felt so at home I feel at peace here. 

November and i'm back home I am so depressed i miss Medina and all my problems are catching up to me. I gained a bit of weight and it's hard for me but it doesn't take me long to get back on track. I am truly sprialling, the insomnia is getting worse.

December I am extremely suicidal and get triggered by opening my window in the morning or taking the metro to go to school, every single thought leads back to one thing: suicide. I don't leave my room because I'm convinced everyone wants to sabotage my weight loss. I ghosted all my friends I am locked away like Rapunzel in her tower. My brain is getting all foggy and I can't put my feelings into words still can't. It makes me feel crazy. I have a new psychiatrist and i can already tell he's no help.

January my favorite cousin is visiting me during the school break, we hangout every day and play GTA every other night. I'm very happy but I know it's all gonna go to shit when she leaves. I'm talking to a guy who says he saw me in UNI but I don't know him. He's sweet and he's older but he's not HIM so I let it go (block him) the right one shall come.

February I deleted all my videos from brunetteangel222, it doesn't feel right any more i don't like the fact that so many people have access to my thoughts and interests, I am leaving one of the things that made me happy behind. I go to school on the days teachers actually check who's present I don't bother to go if they don't. The second the class end i almost run to the metro to soon be in the comfort of my room far away from this overcrowded university.

March it's Ramadan and I'm hyper fixated on food and exercising, I don't go out I wake up pray, eat as little as I can get away with, exercise and sleep 2 hours every night I'm having a lot of nightmares I can't sleep. I don't open up to my psychiatrist he thinks i'm crazy and stares at me with pity in his eyes. He doesn't understand why I'm not getting better he keeps giving me more intense medications but nothing seems to work because the truth is I'm dealing with 2 mental illnesses (that I know of) all on my own, I'm in my little world all day battling thoughts that hurt me yet don't exist, I can't explain how I'm feeling because the second I try it's like my brain forgets why I'm hurting like I never hurt in the first place. 

April I'm at my lowest weight yet and I'm the talk of the town, I tell my best friend everything, she knows I starve myself I don't care that she knows at least I have one person to talk to but she doesn't always keep it to herself, I know it. I notice the stares when her family sees me, our friends I see once a month when I get the courage to get out of my room. They know and I wish they didn't. I don't show it to her but I'm ashamed. Starving yourself isn't exactly something to be proud of at least normal people don't find me cool for it. I am sad because this is all I am now, all I can think about and all I talk about is this. I have nothing except this.