Moving On..(frfr this time)

It’s strange looking back on that post i made last november about him called "moving on", almost like reading someone else’s story. Since then, a lot has changed, me, my life, my heart. I really thought I’d be stuck forever in that haze of half-memories and lingering what-ifs. But I’m not. And the most surreal part is that he was the one to come back! Right when I felt like I’d finally moved on, he reappeared, like some kind of test to see if I was really free of him. 

I’ll admit, for a moment, I let myself hope. Maybe this was the sign I’d been waiting for, the answer to all those prayers. I thought, "What if he’s the one after all?" It was tempting to imagine that maybe everything we’d been through meant something and that maybe this time it would be different. But as we got to know each other again, it didn’t take long to see the truth: he wasn’t what I needed. He wasn’t who I’d imagined him to be. That ache I’d carried around for so long was gone. I’d prayed so hard to God to help me let him go, and slowly, quietly, He did. I could finally see him as he was, without all the filters of love, hurt, and especially nostalgia. I didn’t want him. Not anymore. 

I felt something i hadn't felt in like FOREVER this beautiful, light sense of peace. Like a clean slate. And I couldn’t be more grateful. I can’t even put into words how freeing it is to know I don’t need him, don’t want him, and that my happiness no longer depends on what he does or doesn’t feel for me. I know for sure he didn't deserve me. For once, I don’t feel like I’m split in two, he is not my half i am ME, every part of myself is me and i love that.

I don’t know what the future holds, but right now, I’m just grateful. Grateful for the journey, even if it was long and sometimes kinda brutal. Grateful for the peace I feel now. And grateful to God, who answered my prayers even when I felt like nothing would ever change. 

I hope anyone reading this who’s still feeling stuck finds peace too. It takes time, sometimes a lot of it, but it DOES happen. See you never M.

xoxo Célia